Chapter 8- Broken

EPOV

With Bella in my arms, I can feel how far we have come. I know her body better than I know my own, and she knows my heart like no one before her. Is it possible that it’s only been two weeks since she was thrust into my life? She feels like sunshine on my heart, and my heart has been cold for so long. From the first moment I saw her staring at me like I was something to eat, I wanted to know her. Her green eyes and chocolate hair were my undoing. Then there was her sassy attitude and ass that God himself must have sculpted. I was done for that first night. She got a hold of something inside of me and wouldn’t let go. When she left me to go off and marry her douche bag ex-fiancee, all I could do was think of ways to stop it. I imagined myself busting into the chapel and telling everyone there that she belonged with me, and running back up the aisle with her in my arms. In the end all I could do was pray, because I would never do anything that might hurt her. As luck would have it, I think that God answered my prayer, because he dumped her right back on my doorstep. She was a little broken and a little sad, but still my Bella. Now, when I look at her lying tucked into my side all blissed out and relaxed, I can’t believe what a lucky bastard I am. There is no way I’ve done anything to deserve to be this happy. I pull the blanket up around us and break the silence that has enveloped us since I told her that this night was only about her. “You okay, sweet girl? Can I get you anything?”

“I’m fine, but can I ask you something?” She asks and sounds almost hesitant.

“You can ask me anything, Bella.” I sigh and kiss her temple.

Then she asks the only question that I never wanted to answer. “Will you tell me about Ben, Eddie? I mean, you don’t have to but I’d really like it if you would.” She speaks softly and slowly, as if she knows that this is going to be particularly hard for me to talk about. I know that I can not avoid this story forever, but damn if I don’t want to.

“Are you sure you want to know, Bella? You can’t un-know something. After I tell you, you’ll know forever. Obviously the story doesn’t have a happy ending, baby. I really like the way we are right now, Bella and I don’t know what it’s going to do to me to have to remember the shit that happened. I think I blocked out a lot of it and the shit that I do remember makes me sick to my stomach. So you have to be sure that you are ready to know.

“I’m ready, Edward. I want to know you, all of you. Don’t hide from me, and I won’t hide from you. Deal?” She is tracing my arm with her finger tips and it is making me calm. I can feel her heart beating against my chest, and I know that I have to give her this. I have to give it to her because I would want her to do the same for me. I want her to trust me and to know that I will always show her my truth. I feel the scars that have grown over my broken heart ripping open, and I know the pain will be unbearable. I can only hope that she will still be here when the story ends.

I haven’t talked about the accident or about Ben at all in the five years that have passed since that day. Before I even begin to speak I am assaulted by staggeringly vivid memories. I can feel the anxiety start to take over my body and mind. Bella can feel it, too. She begins lightly running her hands over any part of my body that she can reach without moving out of my arms. I can feel the lump forming in my throat threatening to choke me, and I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. I’m scared of what she will think when she hears what a failure I was at the only job that really matters. How will she ever know how much I loved my son, and how sorry I am that I couldn’t save him. Will she know that I’d give my life on any day if I knew it would bring him back? I would, gladly.

“He was a beautiful baby, Bella. All chubby cheeks and green eyes. He was born on my twenty first birthday, and he was the best gift ever. Tanya and I had a relationship similar to what you and Jake had. She had been part of my life for as long as I could remember. We dated in high school, because it’s what our parents expected  of us. We both come from very old money, and dating anyone other than who your parents deemed worthy, was just unacceptable. She was my first everything, and even though I knew she loved me very much, I never really loved her the way she wanted me to. When she told me she was pregnant, I was pissed. I knew it took two to tango, so to speak, but I also had a feeling she did it on purpose and I hated her for it. I never imagined that I would spend my life with her. I was always just waiting for my soul mate to find me and take me away. Our parents on the other hand, were ecstatic. They were convinced that the baby would be the glue that finally bound our families together and he was. I was there when he was born, and it was amazing. From the moment he came into my life, he owned me. It was like watching my heart existing on the outside of my body. It was an incredible feeling. Tanya finally accepted that we were not meant to be. We did our best to make our situation work for us. I stayed with them at Tanya’s apartment in Los Angeles for about four months after Ben was born. I helped her with everything that she needed me to. I changed diapers, and did midnight feedings. I loved it and I wanted to have the memories to tell Ben about when he got older. Tanya and I decided that Ben came first and that we would do what ever it took to make sure that he was raised with love and stability. Eventually I had to leave them and return to the shop in Baker. We made a plan that we would meet halfway between our homes every other week and I would keep Ben from Thursday night until Monday night. It worked for us, and Ben was happy. That weekend...” I took a breath and looked down at her and could see the worry on her face. She wasn’t looking at me, but she was running her hands up and down my arm in an effort to calm me. Silent tears fell down my face as I continued. “my parents were coming out from San Diego, and we were going to celebrate Ben’s first birthday.” I heard Bella gasp and felt her body tense in my arms. “I had ordered a race car cake from a bakery in Vegas, he loved that damn car movie. I think Emmett and I were more excited than he was. Rose was, too. She had the diner all decorated for days before Ben was even there. Her regular customers were even bringing by gifts for him. Rose loved him so much, Bella. She was with me that day when I went to pick him up, because she just couldn’t wait to see him. We were early when we got to the McDonald’s where we were supposed to meet Tanya. I couldn’t wait to see him, to hold him in my arms. Tanya said he had started walking, and I was hoping that he would walk to me.” My voice cracked and a loud sob broke free from my chest. “He would call me from his seat when he saw me making my way to him. I loved hearing his voice say “Dada”... it was like it went straight to my heart. He knew I was his dad, and he loved me.” I couldn’t talk anymore. I let the tears take me. Bella held me tight, whispering sweet words to me as I cried into her hair.

*Flashback*
I heard the screeching of tires before I saw anything. The crunching of metal and glass pulled me out of my seat and out the door, before my brain registered what was happening. There’s too much noise. There are lights and sirens, people yelling and emergency personnel running towards us. People standing, mouths agape, staring at what I now know is the end of my life as I know it. My sister is bent over next to me, I know she is crying, a loud wail coming from the depths of her soul. I know I should hold her, but I can’t move. I see Tanya’s little Honda Civic sitting at an odd angle in the street. I make a mental note that she almost made it into the parking lot that I am standing in now. In this case almost doesn’t count for anything. For some reason my mind is choosing to ignore the fact that the back end of the car is completely gone. It is smashed in such a way that it appears to have never been there. I see Rose start to run screaming toward the car and still I can’t make myself follow her. I know my heart is in that car and still I stand paralyzed watching my sister open Tanya’s door and start hitting her relentlessly. By the time I realize why, it’s too late. My knees buckle and I fall to the pavement, unable to look away as the firefighters begin cutting away pieces of the car. Rose has pulled Tanya from the car, and police officers have pulled Rose from Tanya. My sister is shouting “My nephew is in the back seat, motherfucker! Get him out! He’s just a baby!” Angry tears run down her cheeks. She runs to me, and she pulls at my shirt. “Edward! Tell them that Ben is in there! Help him, Edward! You’re his father, damn it! This is your job! Fix it, Edward!” I breath for what feels like the first time in my life, and I let Rose pull me off the ground. I set off in a sprint to where Tanya is laying on a gurney. I know that I am screaming, but it doesn’t sound like my voice. “What did you do, Tanya! WHY! What the hell were you thinking running that light?!” I am shaking her, almost on top of the gurney with her. The paramedic is pulling me off of her. “Sir, she can’t hear you! Get off of her! We need to transport her now!” I glare at him, as hot tears find their way down my cheeks. “Her? What about him? What about my son? Who’s going to transport him? He’s still in the car, who’s going to get him out? I don’t give a shit where you take her. Take her around the back and throw her in the damn trash can! I don’t care! Get my baby out of the fucking car!!!” Two police officers are at my side with their notepads and pens and badges. “Sir, my name is Officer Sharp.” The blonde one was talking. “What is your relationship to the victims?” All I hear is the word victims. “There is only one victim, Officer Sharp. My son, Ben. His mother was driving, and chose to run the damn red light, she is not a victim.” There isn’t a name for the emotion that I am feeling. I look to where the car sits. Firefighters and police officers swarming around it. They have erected a yellow tarp as a barrier, and I can’t see what is going on behind it. There is a lot of noise and my head is swimming. The ambulance has taken Tanya away, and I see Rose sitting on the pavement talking on her phone. I see her shoulders heave with the effort it is taking for her to breath. Another officer approaches us and removes her hat as she walks. Once again I find my self on my knees. The officer crouches down in front of me and makes eye contact. “Sir, the child in the vehicle, you are his father?” All I can do is nod. “The rescue team was able to extract him from the car, sir. He was secure in his safety seat, but it was not made to withstand the type of force that the accident caused. I’m very sorry to have to tell you this sir, but he did not survive. He will be transported to the hospital by the county coroner’s office and you or someone you appoint will have to identify the body. I’m very sorry for your loss.” That’s the last thing I hear before the darkness takes me.
*End Flashback*

“Shh, Edward. You don’t have to say anymore.” Bella whispered and caressed any part of me that she could reach. I cried like a baby, and just let her wrap me in herself.

“Bella, it was so loud! There was screeching and sirens. Rosalie was with me, and she was screaming. The police were talking to me. He died there, Bella. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t even move. I’m his dad, Bella! I was supposed to protect him, and I couldn’t. He died in the back of Tanya’s car, alone. Can you even imagine how scared he was? And do you know what happened to Tanya, Bella? She went to jail. Can you believe that? Her son died and the state prosecuted her for vehicular manslaughter. They made her our baby’s murderer, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I hated her for what had happened, but I would have never wished that pain on her. She was in prison for two years, and when she got out she went to her parents house and killed herself. She called me before she did it and she apologized for getting pregnant. She apologized for giving me the most precious thing that has ever been mine. She said that she’d never bother me again, and then she was gone. It haunts me. I had nightmares every night until you started sleeping in my bed.” I didn’t even try to control the sobs. I let myself cry and I let Bella comfort me. “You saved me from my nightmares, beautiful girl. I didn’t think I’d ever feel anything again, but here you are, making me feel.”

“What do you feel, Edward” She whispered. Her lips ghosting over my chest. “Tell me what you feel, baby.”

I can honestly only pick one emotion besides sorrow out of the storm inside my heart. And after all of the words and the tears, I have to continue to vent. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to talk about this with anyone, I don’t want to stop.

“I love you, Bella. I know it’s crazy, and so new, but I do. I’ve never felt this before and I don’t want to let it go.” I kiss her lips and hold her just a little bit tighter.

I look down at her expecting to see her trying to run away from me. Instead I am met with the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. She takes my face between her hands and kisses me fiercely.  

“You don’t have to, Edward, Ever.”



I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
And I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore
   Broken ~ Seether ft. Amy Lee