Chapter 12- The Fear You Won't Fall

Chapter 12~ The Fear You Won’t Fall

BPOV
Until this very moment I didn’t think that I was actually strong enough to leave him. Everything in my being is telling me to turn around and go back to him. Instead, I turn onto the highway that will take me away. Edward takes a few steps forward and waves, as I watch him in my rear view mirror until I can no longer see him. He doesn’t come after me.

The drive ahead of me isn’t one that I’ve taken before. It is familiar to a certain point, since I have traveled this road before, at Edward’s side. When I pass the In-n-Out Burger, I can’t hold the emotion back anymore and I let my tears fall. I watch as the little city I’ve come to love so much disappears and gives way to emptiness. The scenery reflects the way I feel, and for some reason that comforts me. I allow the tears fall until there are no more. Soon enough, I am crossing into the San Diego city limits, and I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I pick up my phone and press a few buttons. The ring echos through the speaker until the call is connected. I don’t even wait to hear his voice before I speak.

“I’m home.”



EPOV
Until this very moment I didn’t think that I was actually strong enough to watch her leave. Everything in my being is telling me to go after her and bring her back. Instead I watch as she turns onto the highway that will take her away. I take a few steps towards her and wave. I watch Bella until I can no longer see her car. She doesn’t turn around.

The walk back to my apartment is the longest it has ever been. When I shut the door behind me, I am assaulted with her. Bella is everywhere. I fall into my bed and let her scent wash over me. I pull the blanket over my head, and let my tears fall. I inhale her scent deeply and hold the breath inside me for as long as I can. I close my eyes and remember the last time that I laid here with her in my arms. I pull her face from my memory and smile to myself as I drift off to sleep. I wake to the sound of my phone ringing and I’m tempted to just let it ring until I see the caller ID. I connect the call and before I can even speak I hear her voice.

“I’m home.” She breathes.

I think I can hear her sniffle and it breaks my heart. I feel the immediate need to comfort her, but I don’t know how to do that from so far away.

“Bella, please don’t cry, love. You know that’s not your home. Your home is anywhere we are together, and I’ll be there soon,” I say with as much conviction as I can muster.

“I know you’re right, but why does it hurt so much? This was my choice, my plan, but I’m not sure I can follow through with it.” She sobs loudly. “I miss you so much already, Eddie, and it’s only been a few hours. What’s it going to feel like tomorrow, or the next day?”

The words that she says to me are the exact words that I want to say to her so she will see what a mistake it is for us to be apart, yet I know that I can’t. I can’t hurt her like that. I have to help her calm down and remember why she made the choices that she did. I have to make sure that she is secure in the fact that she made the right decision. Even if I don’t believe it myself.

BPOV
I sob into the air as I listen to him try to calm me down. He is speaking softly, and I can tell that he is hurting as much as I am. I feel bad that I’m causing him pain, but at the moment I’m slightly hysterical. I want him to be here and hold me. I want to be able to touch him and taste him, and knowing that I can’t, just makes me cry harder.

“Baby, you know that I miss you too, and it is killing me to hear you cry. Do you want me to go down there now? You know that all you have to do is ask,” he says, and I know that he is telling the truth. If I ask Edward to come to me tonight, he will. That realization alone works to calm me a little bit.

“I know, and I’m not going to ask you to come tonight. Thank you, Edward, for talking me down. I feel better. I think I’m going to go inside and get some unpacking done. Can I call you later?” I ask, hoping that I haven’t already driven him to his limit today.

“Of course you can, Bella. Call me as soon as you get a minute to talk. I want to hear your voice before I go to bed,” he answers with a sigh.

He tells me that he loves me and we say our goodbyes, as I pull up in front of the house that I share with Alice. I feel strange as I look at the front door. I wasn’t meant to come back here, and I don’t even have a key anymore. I notice Alice’s Prius in the driveway, and I know that she is home. I called her this morning and told her that I would be home today, so I also know that she is expecting me. Just then the door swings open and she is running towards me. I open my door and step out just in time to catch her. Her arms are around my waist and we jump up and down and squeal with delight.

“Bella! You’re back! I missed you so, so much!” she shrieks in my ear.

“I’m here, Alice, and I missed you too. Let’s go inside, sweetie. I have so much to tell you,” I say as I laugh at her excitement.

We grab as much as we can carry and make our way into the house. I look around and notice that nothing has changed. For some reason that makes me smile. I don’t feel like a guest here, I just feel like I’m home. We set the bags down in my room, and fall onto my bed.

“Spill it, lady. Tell me about this guy, and tell me what happened with Jake! I couldn’t believe the picture you sent me from Vegas was real! Who knew that boring old Jacob Black was really a cheating asshole.” he huffs and rolls on to her side to face me.

“I don’t know where to start, Alice. It seems like I haven’t seen you in forever. So much has happened.” I sigh and turn my head to face her. “Umm... Jake is obviously out of the picture now, and to be honest I don’t miss him at all. I haven’t even thought of him since I left him in bed with that skank in Vegas. I threw my phone away, as you know, and I haven’t heard from him at all.”

“And Edward?” she raises her eyebrows as she says his name.

“Edward? Edward is just everything! He is so beautiful, and kind, and loving. He makes me feel like I’m the only other person in the world. I love him, Alice. I know it’s crazy and fast, but I have no doubt in my mind that I will spend the rest of my life in love with him.” I smile at the shocked look on her face.

“You’re in love? Bella! I thought you were just looking for away to get over Jake! Sweetie, I’m so happy for you. You never looked like this when you talked about Jake. In fact, I’ve never seen you like this. What the hell are you doing back here? Why are you not with Edward?” She looks confused.

I tell her about my decision to come home and go back to school. I tell her about our planned Skype date and Edward’s visit this weekend. She is excited that she gets to meet him. I tell her that I am going to try and take online classes, so that I can be in Baker as much as possible. I also tell her that I am planning to transfer to UNLV as soon as possible. She squeals of course and hugs me tight.

“Alice, I’m so glad to be home, but I’m really tired. Do you mind if I shower and head to bed? I promise we can talk more in the morning.”

“Of course, Bella. You get some rest. Tomorrow, I want all the details. I mean ALL the details. Got it?” She winks at me and kisses my forehead, before she walks out of my room.

After my shower, I put some of my stuff away, before crawling into bed. I remember my promise to Edward and reach for my phone. His is the last voice I want to hear before I fall asleep. I hugged his shirt to my chest and listened to the phone ring in my ear, imagining him doing the same in the bed that I missed so much. The phone rang six times before I disconnected the call. Edward didn’t answer.

EPOV
The thought that Bella had made it home safe was both comforting and maddening. She’s really gone. I’m really going to have to sleep alone tonight. I wonder if the nightmares would come back. Would Tanya and Ben return to haunt me in her absence? I couldn’t help thinking about what my life was like before her. I was actually grateful for the knock on my door, it saved me from letting myself get to far into the memory. I opened my door to Emmett with a six pack of Heineken and a bottle of Stoli.

“I thought that you could use some company, bro. Feel like talking?” he asks with an encouraging smile.

“Not really, but I feel like drinking. Come on in, Em.” I moved out of the way and let him in.

Emmett set the vodka on the breakfast bar, and walked to the couch with the beer in his hand. He sat down and looked up at me.

“So... she’s gone, huh?” he asks as he tosses me a beer.

“Yeah, man, but didn’t I say no talking? I just cant right now,” I say as I scrub my free hand over my face and drop down next to him.

Soon enough all of the beer was gone, and we were working our way through the bottle of Stoli. I was feeling really relaxed and Emmett was laughing out loud about nothing at all.

“Emmett, she left me. She came here and turned everything upside down, she told me she loves me, and then she left. This fucking sucks, dude. I want to drive down to San Diego and bring her back here. I know I should care about her going to school and getting to do whatever she wants to do, but I don’t. I want her here, with me. She belongs here. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help it.” I ramble on and Emmett just stares at me with wide eyes.

“Dude! Eddie, you’re in love! Fuck if Rosie wasn’t right. I thought it was just a fling, I know it’s been a long time since you saw any action. I thought... But man, you fucking love Tink. I’m happy for you and I agree that it’s sucks that she’s gone, but you can’t go all caveman on her and go drag her back here. If she said she loves you, then there is probably a good reason why she left. I bet that she is there thinking the same things that you are, and trying to figure out the fastest way back to you. Let her take care of business, she’ll be back. You Cullen’s have a way of um... Dazzling poor, innocent, unsuspecting people.” He wags his eyebrows at me.

“Damn, Em. When did you get so smart?” I chuckle as I run my hands through my hair, tugging on the ends until it hurts.

“Why do you think your sister calls me Dr. Love?” He smirks. “I’m a fucking genius.”

“Okay, Dr. Love... The well has run dry and you just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Get the fuck out of my house,” I say as I open the door for him.

He walks pass me and pats my shoulder. “Seriously, Edward, I’m here if you need to talk, Rosie is too. Just let us know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Tell Rosalie that I’m okay. I’ll call her tomorrow.” Once he was gone I decide to leave the mess and just go to bed. If I stay up I would just dwell on the fact that I was alone, and let’s face it, going to sleep is the only smart thing to do when you’re drunk. I grab the shirt that Bella left and climb into bed with it. I let her scent settle around me and I think I heard my phone ring as I surrender to the darkness.




Diggin a hole and the walls are caving in
behind me, airs gettin thin but I'm trying,
I'm breathing in, come find me

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home...before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way,
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all,
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you wont fall

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home...before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

and I hate the phone,
but I wish you'd call,
thought being alone,
was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you.

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way.
The Fear You Won’t Fall ~ Joshua Radin